Stand Up
by 2nd Time Around
Summary: This story is inspired by an interview with Ian. He said that he would love to see Damon doing some standup comedy. Funny & flirty Delena created to cheer up all of us currently dealing with DEpression.


**Notes**: I know many of us are currently DEpressed. I quickly wrote this to cheer up myself and all of my Delena sisters. It is inspired by an interview with Ian. He said that he would love to see Damon doing some standup comedy. There is a little Stelena, but it is evened out by a little Stefan bashing and a little Delena. Meant in good fun, although it is rated M for dirty jokes.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own TVD. If I did I would treat Damon a lot better.

* * *

"Stand up comedy? Really?" Elena asked Stefan.

He smiled and nodded.

"You don't seem like the type of guy that would be into that kind of stuff." She observed.

"I'm not, but Damon won the tickets to dinner and a show on a radio contest. " Stefan said with a smile. "He had other plans tonight."

Elena began to giggle. "Damon calls into lame radio contests?"

Stefan shrugged his shoulders. "Apparently."

"I don't get why he wants to help you plan a date with me." She said. "It seems kind of weird. "

"I've known my brother for 160 something years and he is the king of odd behavior." Stefan stated.

Later that night Elena and Stefan showed up to the nightclub where this comedy act was performing. The place was pretty packed, but the couple was seated at the front table. Elena wore a form fitting red dress that clung to her body. Stefan wore his normal, jeans and t-shirt uniform.

The waitress brought them dinner, before the show. It was a beautiful salad full of fresh fruits and vegetables, chicken breast, and roasted potatoes. Stefan showed his fake ID and they were served wine with their meal.

Stefan asked the pretty, blonde waitress. "What is the name of the comic?"

"There are few new comics performing, but the first one is named Dick Smith." The waitress answered. "He showed up last week at an open call for new comedians. Dick is very funny." The waitress looked over at Elena. "He is very good looking as well. Don't make your boyfriend jealous by drooling over him." She said and then left the table.

"I won't drool over this Dick guy." Elena assured Stefan. "You are my guy."

Stefan knew this wasn't entirely true, Elena also did have feelings for someone else. "I know." He said.

The lights went out in the club, except for the spotlight on the stage. An unseen announcer said, "ladies and gentlemen, give a hand to the funny, the talented, the ridiculously good looking, Dick Smith."

The audience cheered. The man who stepped out into the spotlight was Damon Salvatore, using the stage name of Dick Smith. He was wearing a pair of well fitting black jeans and a button up shirt, topped with his customary leather jacket.

Stefan and Elena looked at each other. They were shocked that Damon was up on the stage. The couple didn't say a word, they didn't know what to say.

"Good evening, ladies." Damon said seductively.

The females in the crowd whistled and cheered.

"I would like to apologize in advance to the men in the audience. There is a 1 in 25 chance that I will steal your woman tonight. I get a lot of groupies." Damon looked directly into Elena's brown doe eyes, she softly chuckled at him. "You're odds might get worse if your chick is willing to do a threesome."

Elena bit her lip and didn't laugh. She could feel Stefan's eyes focused in on her every reaction.

Damon continued his routine. "So to get this out of the way. My name really isn't Dick. I earned that. I worked LONG AND HARD to earn that nickname and it isn't because I act like a dick, which I do. I own it. I take pleasure in being the biggest dick in town. Damn proud of it. There are worse things than being known as a huge dick. For instance, I could be a self righteous little prick with a stick up my ass. "

The crowd laughed. Stefan was fuming. Elena was smiling.

"But seriously, I did get that nickname from having a huge cock, in both in length and girth." Damon smiled and tried to look as humble as possible while bragging about his man parts in a crowded room. "And ladies I know how to use my generous set of equipment, I have hundreds of years experience, although not literally hundreds, it just seems that way, because woman can't get their fill of me, although I am excellent at filling them up, ALL THE WAY UP. " The audience laughed at his joke.

"Let's go." Stefan whispered to Elena. He could tell that she was enjoying listening to Damon's dirty talk. Stefan could smell Elena's arousal from across the table with his enhanced vampire senses. He didn't like that at all.

"No." Elena pleaded with her eyes. "I want to see more. We should support your brother. At least he isn't out murdering people."

Stefan sat back, although he had is arms crossed and looked pissed off. " He glared at his brother on stage.

Damon continued. "So you would think that large family jewels would be a trait that ran in a family. Or that Italian brothers would have the same sizes of Italian sausages."

This was coming too close to home. "We are leaving." Stefan said with anger. Elena didn't hear him, she was hanging on Damon's every word.

Damon focused his attention to Stefan and Elena's table. "They don't. I think it's rationed, like every family is given a cock size of 12 inches for every two boys. So if the older brother is blessed with a 9 inch dick, the younger brother can only have a 3 inch dick."

The crowd exploded in more laughter. Stefan was the only one in the audience not laughing.

Stefan grabbed Elena's arm and physically pulled her out of her seat.

Damon noticed and called him out. "So look the guy in the front row is insecure. He doesn't want his girlfriend to find out that dicks are measured in inches and not millimeters."

The audience roared and applauded. Elena was beet red, so embarrassed, but couldn't stop laughing. Damon was watching the situation. This is exactly how he wanted it to play out.

"Elena." Stefan growled. "Now."

She sat back down in her chair. "I'm staying. I need a good laugh, I'm sick of this emo drama. Don't take it so personal."

"If you don't leave with me, we are over." He threatened.

Stefan stormed out and Elena stayed put.

Damon said. "Well that settles it. I think the girl in the front row is COMING home with me tonight. And trust me, she will be COMING multiple times."

After forty-five more minutes of the comedy of Dick Smith, Damon left the stage. "Thank you, you have been a great audience."

The announcer said. "We are going to serve dessert and next up, after a ten-minute intermission, we have another new comic, Ernesto Riley."

Elena went to the backstage area to talk to Damon. "Hi." She said almost shyly.

"Elena." He said her name with such reverence, as if it was a sacred text. "You look so beautiful."

"Thank you." She smiled warmly at him. "You are so funny, but you didn't have to be so harsh on Stefan. It was kind of mean."

"But it made the dirty side of Elena, laugh." Damon shrugged. "The side of Elena that can't wait to do me in all sorts of nasty ways ."

"The rational Elena doesn't sleep with guys on the first date." She said teasingly.

Damon asked with hope in his voice. "Does she kiss on the first date?"

Elena replied. "With certain guys."

Damon commanded. "Kiss me."

"This isn't a date." Elena said.

"It can be. Let's go out and have dessert. They make the best chocolate cake." Damon gave her a flirty and irresistible look.

"Okay and it is just because I need a ride home and I like chocolate cake." Elena said very playfully.

"Great. I want to see the next comic. " Damon said.

She asked. "So is this Ernesto Riley as funny as Dick Smith?"

Damon confessed. "I don't know, but you know that Ernesto Riley is Alaric. I made him try out with me."

Elena smiled and began to laugh again. "Seriously? Alaric?"

"Why would I lie to you?" Damon asked.

"This quasi-date may be an elaborate scheme to get into my pants." She answered.

He raised his eyebrows seductively. "No, because you aren't wearing pants, you're in that sexy red dress."

"Keep trying, Salvatore." Elena teased.

Damon replied. "You know that I will."

They walked out to the table hand in hand to their first date.


End file.
